At last Saturday's meeting we were watching a video presentation entitle "show - don't tell." After a few minutes, fussy technology reigned and I couldn't get the video restarted. Member, Kim Gore jumped up from her seat and professionally saved the day. After a bit more instruction, she gave us the following prompt that tells about something happening and asked us to write the same scene showing it to our fellow readers.
Prompt: He was so angry that he threw the shovel across the driveway and screamed. His wife came out of the house and gave him a cup of cocoa.
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My descriptive version: by Paul Irvine
He stared hard at the shovel, half full of snow, the ice sticking to it adding ten pounds. His frozen toes now forgotten, he kicked it, shattering the ice and his big toe, and sending him flying down the driveway on his back. The resulting scream echoed down the street, like a blast from a shotgun. His wife, already half way out the door, rushed to him, slipped and spilled the hot cocoa down his open jacket. As she hit the ground, their duo screams set off their car alarms, adding to the winter cacophony filling their neighborhood!
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Effort to show not tell - Kathleen Plum:
It was a bitter cold wintery morning and the three feet of snow and ice on Jack’s driveway begged to be left alone. He was still steaming from the argument with his wife over their taxes; he was happy to feel the icy breeze brush his nose and cheeks as he stepped out of the house with the snow shovel. A thin, fluffy coating of snow had disguised the thick, hard layer of ice beneath it. In pure frustration, Jack threw his shovel across the driveway and screamed. But then he saw the outline of a bloody human hand, with only 3 fingers, encrusted in the ice below. Now the wind- or maybe it was the hand in the ice- took his breath away entirely. Jack was still speechless as his wife came out of the house bearing a cup a cocoa in repentance for her part in the dust-up that morning, oblivious to the macabre scene that awaited her.
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Immediate response to telling prompt - by Sue Spitulnik
"This damn snow. I want to move south."
"You've said that for years and I agree, then you say you won't leave the kids."
"That's your line."
"Okay. It's your mother you won't leave. Go shovel before she gets here."
He put on three shirts, his insulated pants, a heavy coat and gloves. I added his knit cap and opened the door for him. Next thing I heard was a scream and a thump. I ran to the window. The shovel was five feet into the yard and he was sitting on his ass, fuming, but seemed okay. I watched. He slowly turned to get on all fours and gingerly got up. I went to the kitchen to make him a cup of hot cocoa and put a shot of whiskey in it thinking whatever works. I took it out to him. He would be nicer when his mother arrived.
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As you can see, Paul and Kathleen followed the prompt. Sue rearranged the timeline in her writing showing that everyone wrote what came to mind with different character personalities, and different settings. This is because every author draws on their own personal experiences when writing, and no two people think alike. It was a good presentation for everyone present. Fun side note: more than one person included an argument about doing their taxes.
Lilac City Rochester Writers 